my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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