My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize