I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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