my mouth tastes like poor choices
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
