i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
