he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
