Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
