yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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