Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
