He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
