girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All I want is dick and wine.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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