can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
