look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
