I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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