i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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