I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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