Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize