I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
