I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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