Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
