I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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