Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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