Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
