New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
