he puts the penis in happiness.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
