i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
we're so committed to being not committed
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
