she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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