go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
