do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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