And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
