I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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