i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
