I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
