do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
