yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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