We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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