so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
