but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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