bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
