Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She told me I should be a condom model.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
