Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
