My girlfriend figured out who you are.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Boobs are out for the taking
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
