I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
