Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
