Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize