I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Operation Purity has been aborted
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
