i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
