I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
