my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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