Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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