So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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