How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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