Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
