Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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