Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
