Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
