No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i believe in u and ur pee
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
