I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
