Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
