did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
