She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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