My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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