Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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