May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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