You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
