god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Randomize
