I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
