I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
